Tasty Mystery Baskets of Clips

- I can barely listen to you talk about issues. - Have I not said this a hundred times?

The truth is, I'm not the elected President of the United States.

Yeah! (chuckles)

By the way, Mr. Dobbs, I never thought you had a chance.

Hello. Welcome. You know my wife.

I just hope your honesty doesn't undercut your irreverence.

Comedian Tom Dobbs... (overlapping) Another big win for Dobbs.

I wanna do a show about gay farmers and call it Cropsuckers. Is that offensive?

Thank you. Sorry I'm late - my horse pulled up lame.

You're not gonna win this election, but at least you didn't go gently into the good night.

- Well, did you ask? - No. I was too embarrassed to.

I assume he's from Delacroy. He has a pickup truck.

You have a waste-processing plant next to a recreation area.

but they sometimes made difficult decisions, sometimes had to pass unpopular legislation.

I believe I've got my figures correct, but it's a possibility - not a likely possibility, but it's a possibility.

Yep, he'll do it. I'll call you later for details.

By spending time in Congress talking about that,

It was during a Q and A that a woman made a statement.

That's why we're here - 'cause you want change! Yeah!

In fact, the incumbent has beaten Senator Mills in every state where they've been going one-on-one.

It's forever. Hold your horses

The only sour note? They won't end up with the person that they voted for to be the President.

I'd also like to thank my wife and children, who have been very supportive of my candidacy.

have my way with myself and then go, Should I drive myself home now?

I always wanted to say that - sounds like Bob Hope. Thought I'd drop by.

while other species only mate for votes.

(Tom) Yeah! Yes, indeed!

of government of the people, by the people, for the people.

- Praise the internet! - 16 million emails spoke loud and clear!

Well, just off the top of my head, I was thinking Bruce Springsteen as Secretary of State.

Sure. We have to walk away from those who have listening devices.

Reasonable people can come to reasonable solutions.

Yes, sir. When I find her, I know what to do.

But I'm just here to talk to you, warm up the audience, a little bit of foreplay.

She's in a phone booth off Route 173.

moving forward, because the future is now!

Sir, we just got a report of an accident. It's Eleanor Green.

and in his second term was better than any of us expected.

- (Eleanor) Danny, hi. - Hey. Where the hell are you?

(Eleanor) FBI. FBI.

Wait a minute, I'm taking a picture.

He tried to abduct me from the mall!

Campaign during the day, date at night. It's like some weird reality show.

Is this the president-elect speaking or just Tom Dobbs the comedian?

I was once a healthy man.

If what she says is true, I'm really not the president-elect.

- So watch out, Oprah. - (audience laughs)

I also have some disturbing news.

but I'm hoping for a dark walnut with a nice veneer. That'd be lovely.

Nothing can change that. No one can. Except you.

and if you represent special-interest groups, we should be like NASCAR.

- You're not denying these charges? - Not at all. I was 25, I was stoned.

- All right. - You can go on and be President.

This country was founded on the principle

Mark Twain said irreverence is the champion of liberty, if not its only defender.

- Do you want to go public with this? - I can't.

He said, I can't, but I wanna hear them deny it.

This is where the special-interest groups start.

Honestly, I didn't even think you had a chance.

- Yeah. Yeah. Did she add to that? - Add what?

Whoa, boy, that's a desk.

Look, you're having such a good time. I don't wanna spoil it.

- Seriousness of purpose. - The debate is gonna be a night full of pomposity.

And, you know, if you need anything, you call. OK?

No, no, Mr. Kellogg. Mr. Kellogg wants to pass an amendment against same-sex marriage!

(Eddie) Made you the President, and by doing so has put me out of work.

There is no subject matter that's restricted.

was talking to the audience during the warm-up routine prior to the taping of his show.

I can make this a lot easier for you.

I mean, I know I did the right thing. I know I did the right thing. It was the right thing to do.

Well, there is a problem - it's a year old.

I haven't been forthright with you about certain things.

I'm President, but not really.

He's in the debate!

But somebody has to know. Somebody. At least you.

In today's America, technology empowers the public in nearly everything they do.

In the circus you shave them with a blowtorch.

Connecticut and Massachusetts.

It's bad enough with the squirrels going... (nasally) Please help me. I can't breathe today.

Maybe you should run for President.

I brought you some camouflage and thermals 'cause it's gonna be cold up there. Follow me, men.

I don't care what you say, but say it with humor. These crowds expect it.

I think the first thing you gotta do is say you have unconfirmed information

We don't stock the charger for that anymore. How long have you had that phone?

By the way, that machine doesn't work.

and the cult of personality.

(TV news theme)

This is where we are. You wanna throw it away or go for it?

She used phrases like a glitch in the system, compatibility problem, things like that.

And I know you voted for me because you were fed up with the status quo.

Tom, could I talk to you for a minute?

- Made you a star. - (Tom) Mm-hm.

That's going to spread one to three inches of snow right across the D.C. area.

We believe that strongly, and we make our best effort to find out about it as soon as possible and give help.

This is a monetary sacrifice I am willing to make

If you get stopped by the police, say, My car's been drinking, not me!

We're having a little post-Thanksgiving outing. Can I pick you up?

News from comedians. How crazy is that?

Maybe because you flipped out and you're in a hospital and you've been doing drugs?

It's gonna be a whole new ball game, so brace yourselves, people.

and I could be obsessed with Angelina - I just want to wet her lips and stick her to something.

Unfortunately, I do.