Tasty Mystery Baskets of Clips

You wanna talk about a serious issue, nowadays people tune out.

It's not what they go to see.

where it's not only questions of malfunction but also questions of legitimacy.

- Doctors used to recommend cigarettes? - Said they were good for you.

You can do better than most politicians you've elected recently,

I go, No, I've done more than hug a tree.

- Sorry. Just give me a cappuccino, please. - Sure.

The old bastard's right. Look at that. You gotta be different to make an impression.

She wrote that something was wrong.

- I can't believe you touched my things. - Ellie, I didn't...

If you found a system error, how were we gonna fix it?

I don't think there's any more than that, not a lot of moisture here.

Whoa, whoa, wait a minute. We may have a problem here.

- Wow. - It's like something I never saw before.

- It's no... - I got it!

I once had a blind date that I left in the theater. I felt so bad, I married her.

- Evidently not. - That's smart.

but do it alone and with an eye to the future,

Red states, blue states.

- They'll get funny when I'm back on the show. - It's too dry.

(woman) You're the greatest!

We're not exploring alternative fuels like methane - it's hard to hold that chicken over the gas tank.

Eleanor! We're going paintballing.

Therefore, there were no irregularities in the election and our safeguards proved to be impenetrable.

- Oh, like nothing happened? - Something like that.

- Edgy! - There's no real difference.

(Jack) They didn't teach you to dance at the FBI? J. Edgar Hoover was a wonderful dancer.

- Everything all right? - Oh, just fine.

(cheers) Come on!

Yeah. Well, you know, I wanted to find you. I remember you said you worked at Delacroy.

- That's why I want to run for President. - Not punchy enough.

Her ID's showing up in the log. She's been in the mainframe, poking around the code depository.

I thought you were gonna say you threw it at Paris Hilton and they stuck.

His staffer said, How can you prove that?

I feel so frustrated with the political system and my friends say the same thing all the time.

Double B's before double G's.

You've got a great group.

Computer malfunction.

Mr. Dobbs, what would your position be on national security?

- Yeah, thank you. - (applause)

The government said recently... Well, a lot of people said that we're cutting back spending.

They'd be going through the private channels for that sort of thing. You know how that goes.

He's by far the strongest of the independents and I'm very much looking forward to the debate.

It's a distraction! They point over here, they point over there - they want you not to know.

I love the buckled shoe, though - it's part pimp, part pilgrim.

- Interested? - Uh... I don't know, Mr. Dobbs.

I think that's the bottom line. In a democracy,

- Comedy sells. Can we remember that? - I don't want to get into this.

(Tina) I threw my underpants at Britney Spears once... 'cause I thought she needed a pair.

- I think there must be an open bar somewhere. - (audience laughter)

Not now, please.

Happy Thanksgiving.

With this announcement, Delacroy stock has jumped 37% on the Big Board.

An outing? No, I-I had something I had to tell you.

just so you could have the nuns in the thong and the feathers. (sings)

I underestimated you.

In the mall. OK.

and tell the American people that I'm not the legitimate President of the United States.

Kellogg and Mills are running about even, with Dobbs at around 17% of the vote.

I was always hoping in my own heart for a Brazilian Pope - Pope Raul -

- No, I'll make it louder. Hold on. - (laughter)

- Well, if you wanna be picky... - Oh, picky.

Mills, I voted for you three times as much as I voted for President Kellogg.

Sir, we've got to get you to the airport a little earlier. A storm front is moving in.

Tom, can't you do just two jokes of mine?

with the referendums, propositions and just add the candidates' names.

that I should go with the Manolo Blanco, just to give you that little... (squeaks)

Oh, it'll work. I think.

Oh, God. Oh, God. I worked at Delacroy and I worked so hard, and I cared.

You should be accountable for who you are.

have spent approximately $195 million apiece on the campaign for media advertising,

President Kellogg and I think alike in this area.

I left the night-light on.

Everyone's gonna be writing about how honest you are, how straightforward.

- Shopping? - No, I'm not shopping.

I'm gonna clean up my mess.

Who's your woodsman? Who's your woodsman?

- basically, game's over, folks. - (laughter)

As I understand it, there's no problem.

And it's possible, if he takes all five states,

Oh, no. And ball players don't do steroids, they just wake up one day looking like Mack trucks.

Don't fuck with our democracy. Don't undermine our way of life.

...you could be... an even better one.

Because I think a woman can be obsessed with a movie star like Brad Pitt - hello! -