Tasty Mystery Baskets of Clips

- Look at this. - It's like the circus.
- Please do not make a mockery of this. - Let someone else speak, Mr. Dobbs.
You mean I have to get married before the debate?
Comedian Tom Dobbs is the next President of the United States.
Don't believe her so quickly, Tom.
There was one slogan before my time:
- Did you touch my things? - No!
You don't have to vote. Know how we're gonna pick 'em?
Thank you, everyone. We're on our way to Washington. Wish us luck.
Thought I'd spend the evening with someone who gets on my nerves.
Out of curiosity...
Dobbs is going to surprise a lot of people.
Your uncle. He was trying to call your room. He said he couldn't get through.
- This is not your talk show. - And you're not on your private plane,
- Thought that went pretty well. - Lincoln got more laughs at the Gettysburg Address.
- with breast implants. - (laughter)
She just told me I didn't win the election.
Nothing. She left it up to me.
- Did I hear Saturday Night Live? - Yeah.
And also you could say obsessed with rock 'n' roll stars -
- Cleavage. Is that legal? - Very cute.
- I can see that. - A put-down from the FBI.
For ease of voting, speed and accuracy of vote.
It isn't like you were in some side street gettin' head like, uh, Hugh, uh, whatshisname.
then I guess fired...
Thanks for your honesty.
- Or maybe, just maybe, she's a succubus. - What's that?
and, literally, brought down the House with laughter.
(audience cheer)
...with words, then yes,
I'm with the President of the US in the Oval Office.
I'm sorry.
Like a good, dedicated employee, she sent an email to C.E.O. James Hemmings.
Because Tom Dobbs is not the elected President of the United States. There. I've said it. Kill me.
Case closed, end of discussion.
but they decided to cover it up for economic reasons.
Sit.
(sirens)
OK. You mean to tell me that we didn't shut down her access when we let her go?
They have a video camera that takes a picture and compares it to your previous picture.
Comedy Store to the White House.
They ask you tough questions like, Where have you been? Why?
What do I do?
Tom, come January 20th, the White House is yours.
One o'clock, no Hitler.
Wow.
If you tell a joke and it stinks but you put a laugh track over it, the joke still stinks.
Delacroy Systems has completed a deal with the European Common Market
Gotta let people know the election's a fraud.
May I ask why?
How do you get people in their seats? It's crazy.
- You've got really great skin. - Thank you.
Perception of legitimacy is more important than legitimacy itself. That's the greater truth.
- (phone rings) - Tom here.
that there was a computer glitch in the Delacroy computer voting system.
- It's like being a kosher pig farmer. - He's getting angry.
No, I know you because you're Tom Dobbs, I know you, but I don't really know you...
See the numbers? The computer glitch is happening the same way.
if you have a helium car and you get rear-ended... (squeaky voice) Hey, something's wrong!
There isn't a paper trail. It's not the way the Delacroy system is set up. Congress knew that.
I came on the campaign to talk about issues.
I'm here to talk tonight about political commercials.
And, uh, you've elected a man as President who is probably the unluckiest man in the world in that area.
- George Hamilton. Doesn't he have a grill? - No, that's George Foreman.
I know this is a little out of the ordinary, but did you have an employee named Eleanor Green?
God bless him. God bless Jack Menken!
I want a man who's not afraid to go in the wetlands and drill.
- What's the matter? - You know. I'm unhappy.
- $200 billion, you could buy a few books! - Mr. Dobbs!
It should be on the news any minute. It looks like we're gonna take North Carolina!
You're not concerned? Me crashing the party?
Senator, I think the public is pretty frustrated with the polarization of the parties
Phew, hope this works.
(show in background)
Introducing the Delacroy voting system.
We just usually do fake news and jokes.
That's why I say you can't spend 200 million dollars on a campaign and not be owing people something.
You wanna get married? I need a wife before the debate.
- A good month. - Yes.
(# La Mer by Charles Trenet)
(muffled cries)
You give speech after speech, nothing's funny.
At 01:23 East Coast time,