Tasty Mystery Baskets of Clips

will not have an orgasm.

In our society,

…for six weeks.

[crowd laughing]

"And then, um…"

…getting to take a drug-induced nap for an hour…

The lies will set you free!

You single people, you don't have to go on a playdate,

to eat a cold quesadilla…

"I love sucking your cock. It makes my pussy so wet."

"She's so chill."

and the wait lists and the ports are all full."

And I have to say that as a working mother of two…

the summer before, I was shooting this movie called Always Be My Maybe.

"I can rub it out to Aquaman for another year, it's fine."

who bought a bunch of fruit besides bananas?

I'm not all of a sudden going to leap onto his neck

But what I didn't know was that right before the procedure,

"…we're going to have to stick a camera

She chose to get on her knees

your only job as the woman

But have you ejaculated onto a great American mind?

He is a motherfucker.

Yeah, I don't even know who the other two are.

"I'd really like to just go back to my house and fold clothes."

and just walk around in down jackets all day like this.

[crowd laughing]

♪ If you want me Show it ♪

My DMs are full of these Silence of the Lambs motherfuckers.

And that's my husband, straight up.

I'm the one leaning in while he is lying down.

"Oh, this is the biggest dick

[crowd chuckles]

while you repeat to yourself over and over that

Men love to show you their masturbation practice.

-Huh? -[crowd laughs]

One of my dear friends is arguably one of the top stand-up comics

"I changed density, motherfucker, what!"

-[crowd laughs] -[clicks tongue]

to get cummed on, on the face.

when your wife and kids need you and the bathroom the most.

I can't let go of my husband, you know?

"So we're going to have to perform a colonoscopy

he was so ripped, you could see everything.

[crowd applauding, cheering]

talking about how much she wants to cheat on you?"

I'm almost 40, so I have all these, like, acquaintances getting divorced right now.

[crowd cheering, applauding]

That is some 50-year-old man shit right there.

-the temperature… -[crowd laughs]

You don't gotta bring a giant bag with little Ziploc baggies of Goldfish,

Which, to me, seems like the radiologist gave me an A++.

[crowd laughing]