Tasty Mystery Baskets of Clips

…to add pizzazz to the ultimatum, you know?

You know, as-- as much as I would love to cheat on my husband…

and I still don't understand what cryptocurrency is.

[crowd cheering, applauding]

and I almost sliced my hand off,

It is ten times harder to find a decent husband

[sighs] …again.

when the truth is he got this backbone made of pure, solid steel.

"Whoa! Do you sit and work at a computer all day?"

But with salmonella

There's three of us, okay?

by a woman that makes a lot more money than you.

successful, and charismatic,

and ask your friends to buy you an Instant Pot.

is to see inside of your body,

[crowd laughs, cheers]

so that I don't end up homeless."

I know, it's like, who wrote this thing, right? Like…

living the life I wanted for myself.

[crowd laughing]

…and holding your happiness and self-esteem hostage

[crowd applauds]

is the most important quality to find in a man.

because then a bunch of women wouldn't be available

…where I play a celebrity chef who falls back in love with her childhood friend.

The elastic? Gone. Gone!

I don't deserve to cum when the Dow Jones is down 500 points

[crowd laughing]

"…think you rubbed my clit off onto the floor,

And if we get divorced, he going to sell high.

He gotta know how to come in real slow and soft

-It is spectacular, okay? -[crowd laughs]

[crowd laughs, applauds]

your life as you know it on the line,

where he got that-- that Jabba the Hutt double chin, you know?

So then a-- a GI specialist was called in,

butchering 18 raw chickens.

-[sighs heavily] -[crowd continues laughing]

looked like the bottom of a bird cage.

when you see the TMZ video of my face getting fire-hosed by Michael B. Jordan…

child abuse is illegal!

[crowd laughing]

They maintain this whole, like, candlelit, walk-on-the-beach energy…

And I panicked. I was like, "I don't know if I can make it in this world on my own."

I bet most men in this theater

That's what being one of the best female stand-up comics will achieve you.

and starred in as the lead.

until we get what we fucking deserve, okay?

to make it more Jhirmack "bounce back."

"Oh, how could he be expected to resist all of that fan pussy?"