Tasty Mystery Baskets of Clips

On behalf of all the eighth-grade girls, I would like to make it up to you.

I WANT MY XJ BACK!

I'm really sorry. She was like a crouching tiger.

No, no, no, you should be scared. A homeless man just tried to eat you.

You had to get a gun and learn how to use it.

I beat wholesale ass for a lot less than that

I was engaged once...

I haven't cried like that since Titanic.

Me leaving work this week.

I mean do what you want with a man But do not fuck with his Cadillac

Hey, you found my ring.

Like undertow or department store Santas.

- What I'd give for a shower... - Do not say S-H-O-W-E-R, okay?

The first hot girl in 1000 miles shows up, makes me feel like an idiot...

Oh, this egg roll thing, it ain't over yet

For me, home was a puppy named Buck.

...to Columbus, Ohio, where I'm hoping my parents are still alive.

- Who cares? - The best thing is no more flushing.

...well, maybe it's time to stop driving carpool.

Cardio, seat belts, and this has nothing to do with anything...

You're Columbus.

It was because, in that moment, it became clear.

Thanks. I've been looking all over for it.

Dignity, long gone.

It became quickly apparent, however, that he did have one weakness.

Yeah, I see that, a Hostess truck. So what?

it’s not the taste it’s the consistency

- Thanks. - Hey.

...but I realized she had more trust issues than I...

No? Well, they're playing it in Columbus.

Where's the F@#ing POOPH!!???

- I always roll it up from the bottom. - Well, the zombie's head is the cap.

You are a dangerous man.

You ever see a lion limber up before it takes down a gazelle?

...who hears the South Pole is really nice this time of year.

Garfield, maybe.

- Least for a while? - Here's the deal, Columbus.

Look at this fucking clown.

Which reminds me...

So, what about you?

You should actually limber up as well.

Good luck now, Petunia.

Keeps us from getting too familiar.

I'm not easy to get along with...

Don't make me drink alone.

- You're right, that's the worst part. - I'm sorry. I'm just so scared.

Relax, okay? I just passed for a zombie.

You see, he was in the ass-kicking business, and...

Man, we're gonna have to pull over soon. I'm feeling cooped up.

Why don't you exhale slowly, squeeze the trigger?

...which is what happened to me before Zombieland.

Then again, since my folks are paranoid shut-ins like me...

I have a little hunch.

I mean, do what you want with a man but do not fuck with his XJ

As zombies began to outnumber humans...

This place is incredible.

- Bill? - Yeah?

I love you, Bill. I love you.

Three weeks ago. Yeah.

That's when it hit me. I felt ashamed that it had taken me this long...

- You never played the quiet game? - Sorry.