Tasty Mystery Baskets of Clips

On behalf of all the eighth-grade girls, I would like to make it up to you.

You had to get a gun and learn how to use it.

So, what about you?

No? Well, they're playing it in Columbus.

You are a dangerous man.

Relax, okay? I just passed for a zombie.

Why don't you exhale slowly, squeeze the trigger?

Me leaving work this week.

Look at this fucking clown.

I'm really sorry. She was like a crouching tiger.

As zombies began to outnumber humans...

Then again, since my folks are paranoid shut-ins like me...

For me, home was a puppy named Buck.

That's when it hit me. I felt ashamed that it had taken me this long...

You should actually limber up as well.

I haven't cried like that since Titanic.

Three weeks ago. Yeah.

I have a little hunch.

I WANT MY XJ BACK!

Oh, this egg roll thing, it ain't over yet

Like undertow or department store Santas.

...well, maybe it's time to stop driving carpool.

Hey, you found my ring.

I was engaged once...

You see, he was in the ass-kicking business, and...

I mean, do what you want with a man but do not fuck with his XJ

Good luck now, Petunia.

Which reminds me...

Man, we're gonna have to pull over soon. I'm feeling cooped up.

The first hot girl in 1000 miles shows up, makes me feel like an idiot...

I mean do what you want with a man But do not fuck with his Cadillac

You ever see a lion limber up before it takes down a gazelle?

I love you, Bill. I love you.

It was because, in that moment, it became clear.

Thanks. I've been looking all over for it.

- Bill? - Yeah?

- You're right, that's the worst part. - I'm sorry. I'm just so scared.

This place is incredible.

- You never played the quiet game? - Sorry.

Don't make me drink alone.

...who hears the South Pole is really nice this time of year.

- Least for a while? - Here's the deal, Columbus.

Dignity, long gone.

...but I realized she had more trust issues than I...

- What I'd give for a shower... - Do not say S-H-O-W-E-R, okay?

...to Columbus, Ohio, where I'm hoping my parents are still alive.

It became quickly apparent, however, that he did have one weakness.

- Who cares? - The best thing is no more flushing.

Garfield, maybe.

Cardio, seat belts, and this has nothing to do with anything...

- I always roll it up from the bottom. - Well, the zombie's head is the cap.

Yeah, I see that, a Hostess truck. So what?

...which is what happened to me before Zombieland.

You're Columbus.

I'm not easy to get along with...

I beat wholesale ass for a lot less than that

Keeps us from getting too familiar.

Where's the F@#ing POOPH!!???

it’s not the taste it’s the consistency

- Thanks. - Hey.

No, no, no, you should be scared. A homeless man just tried to eat you.