Tasty Mystery Baskets of Clips

- Yeah! It was a total disaster. - At least it got them reading.

in 1992 to be exact, in a little town called Madison, Wisconsin,

Big deal. Everyone has their weaknesses, you know?

I just sold an entire table for $50,000.

I've been saving money.

"I could run away right now with Caroline Hopper,

Hey, monster, that was fun today. I'll see you on Wednesday, okay?

I think you should tell me the story of you and my mom.

Okay, kiddo, here's the deal.

"All I have to do is kiss her."

Bitches, they can kiss my...

But at last minute, he gets a gig in Philly, which, of course, he takes 'cause...

Yeah, give us a call sometime. We should all go out for dinner.

- Well, who is it? - Not telling.

Emergency room? Hello?

Oh, my God! I'm your mom!

Oh, my goodness. I'm in big trouble. I love this girl!

- When I'm old enough. - Yep.

We need to talk.

If they didn't want a baby, then how come they had sex?

The truth is, I loved him.

I never should have opened that diary. It's like Pandora's hot, sexy box.

Over, over, over!

And then you just left?

What are you saying, Hampton?

I don't think she's gonna let us in.

that sometimes the husband and wife penguins get separated

- Yeah. - I don't even know I'm doing it.

that I said to her on her birthday.

Okay, stop. Now go forward, slowly.

You're getting warm.

- they want anymore? - The best way?

I feel horrible about taking the...

I'd... Yeah, I'd love dinner.

I mean, the incredibly hot start, with Paco basking in my love and admiration...

But Tuesdays and Fridays are my favorite days.

- I'm pregnant. - You're what?

I was just curious.

- Really? - Yeah. It's gonna be great.

I'm not. This is a money gig. I get paid 12 an hour,

- How's the Professor? - The Professor is wonderful.

- Just stand up, Will. Stop. ...with absolute clarity.

trying to figure out how to get kids to eat Cap'n Crunch instead of Froot Loops.

- Come on. We're walking. - We're walking.

That's a very good question.

I've already got it memorized, so I'll just leave it on the table.

How come you changed all the names except hers?

Have the coffee here by 10:00, or Arthur's gonna kill me!

The Teamsters won't set up the satellite feed!

Always on the cutting edge.

- boy-man I seem to be. - Did you learn anything?

I know. Shocking.

How does it have a happy ending?

Which may involve some type of threesome now.

Yeah, let's fill up the tub and drop in a toaster.

- Emily. - Yes, William.

- Wait, wait, wait. - I have no reason to be afraid.

I want to make amends with anyone I ever hurt.

- Nice? Yeah, he can handle himself. - Sure, I can handle myself.

"Words fall out of our mouths and die at our feet!

He was telling me how to be a real man, as opposed to the sort of

and then after we broke up, I just felt lost.

It's gonna blow over. - Right.

- Not like this. - Like what?

You already did.

and considered a key political advisor of the White House.

You know what the funny part is? It's $1,000.

What's a threesome?

in the beginning of the story always gets dumped.

And on top of that, I was positive that in just a few hours,

- Emily! - Emily!

Happy Birthday!

I should, shouldn't I?

- It's weird. Your tongue tastes different. - What?

That's a game that adults play sometimes when they're bored.

If you could just please paste it onto a menu,

Will Hayes, I worked on the '92 campaign.

It's just like the day that my...

Yeah, I get it.

I have something for you.

- No. - No, don't tell me!

I have no idea why. They're like kryptonite to me.

'Cause if we stay together, Will, we're gonna be miserable.

- That has nothing to do with this. - Nothing to do with it.

I don't believe it! I don't believe it!

Christ, you're tall.

walking toward us right now?

I've never spent the whole day in bed with a really great guy.

"The most endangered species in our nation

It's weird. It was never quite right. You know?

after going too fast for way too long.

That's Hampton Roth. He's an incredible writer.

from bagels and toilet paper to signs and bumper stickers.